Roedy Green, Living Lover
by Roedy Green ©1996-2008 Canadian Mind Products
Vital Statistics
I am 54 years old, single, a Gay White Male, 6'2½" tall, 209 pounds,
with brown hair and blue eyes, HIV+. I write computer programs for a living.
Click for a professional bio or an extended
classified ad for a life partner. I
live in New Victoria, BC Canada.
First Contact
I first met Ken Keyes in 1976 when he came to
Vancouver to speak at a conference. I first saw Ken beaming away, barrelling
along in his electric wheelchair. I thought, "how odd that someone in a
wheelchair could be so happy". I talked with two of his people, David a
handsome blond surfer, and Wade Laughter. David impressed me because he was so
incredibly handsome, and yet he still gave me a memorable long, loving hug right
out in public. He did not care if people might think he was gay. Wade impressed
me with his honesty in talking about his relationship with Debby Hamm. I was
deeply suspicious that most spiritual teachers were feeding me BS. I wanted to
be like these three.
Workshops
I went to my first workshop in 1977 June in Berkeley.
I continued to go once or twice a year right up until Ken’s death in 1995.
I held mini Living Love workshops in my home that attracted up to 40 people.
They were pretty wild and crazy where everyone laughed themselves silly, even
though we dealt with serious issues like being raped or infidelity. I was big on
getting people to dress up as the various troublemakers in their lives and re-enact
the scenes. For example, I would put a nightgown on a man who was having trouble
with his wife and make him play the role of his wife. He would have to coach the
other actors so they could reasonably realistically reproduce the original
traumatic incident.
A few years before he died, Ken asked me to be the head trainer in Oregon. I
refused because I felt I was too depressed, even though I had a thorough
technical knowledge of the methods.
Addictions
The top ten addictions of my life were, in roughly descending order:
- Wanting my lover Jimmy, who dumped me,
to return, or at least to acknowledge my existence. [mostly
handled]
- Fear of demonic possession. [handled]
- Not wanting to be gay. [handled]
- Wanting a well-hung black lover. (I
did get this one satisfied.) [still troublesome]
- Dealing with a pair of embezzlers I thought were my friends. [handled]
- Fear of needles. [handled]
- Fear of running out of money when I was too ill to work. [still
troublesome]
- Wanting to be free of the nausea associated with AIDS. [mostly
handled]
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men. [still
troublesome]
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution,
overpopulation) [still troublesome]
The addiction that causes me the most trouble now is dealing with rejection from
younger gay men. It may come as a surprise that having AIDS and fear of dying
were never that much of a problem. I dealt with accepting being gay long before
I even heard of Living Love. I did it simply by being around other people who
accepted themselves.
I no longer post my daily addiction diary online. I had too many complaints
from people embarrassed or angry that I had addictions involving them. If you
are seriously interested in learning about how you might do you own daily
addiction diary, I would consider sending you a copy on the understanding you
don’t pass it around.
Outstanding Addictions
The top addictions that continue to give me grief are:
- Worry about having money to pay for the rent and food.
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution,
overpopulation)
- Wanting to do something very important that will leave a lasting legacy after I
die.
- Wanting a long term relationship with a male partner.
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men.
- Anger at Christians who try to take away civil rights from homosexuals.
- Embarrassment about excess fat on my tummy.
- Embarrassment about the HIV-related fungus infection of my toenails.
- Not wanting to grow old.
- Shame that I am losing my hair. This one is giving me much less trouble than it
did earlier this year. I am giving myself permission to be bald just like other
53 year olds.
Addictions are intertwined. I need to look healthy, trim and young to attract a
lover. It is amusing to see the global (ecological collapse) and the petty (toenails)
side by side.
Strictly speaking these are not addictions, but addictive areas. I can pinpoint
dozens of more specific demands supporting each of the general demands I
specified.
I want to find out if I should change life directions and stop doing computer
work and work with people instead. This workshop will be a test of whether I
have the skill to do that.
I am very nostalgic. I want to see as many people from my past as possible. I
hope this will give them an excuse to come visit.
I hope to share the benefits of my 24 years of real-life experience with the
methods. It would be great to save someone some of the effort I went through
getting rid of my addictions. Quite often the key is an insight, a reframing, a
novel way of viewing the problem. An addiction can disappear in a flash. It does
not always have to be hard work!
I will likely focus on my #1 outstanding addiction, dealing with rejection from
younger gay men. Over the year preparing for this workshop I have been able to
see younger gay men not just as gods, but also as fallible humans in rubber boy
suits. I can sometimes laugh at them or even feel pity when they are
supercilious taking vain pride in their youth, something they achieved without
effort and that will soon pass.
I am often plagued with a general malaise, just a wish I were dead. It is as
though the game of life is not worth the candle. I am just too tired to play.
The ordinary activities of life (doing the dishes, brushing my teeth, laundry,
buying groceries…) seem overwhelmingly onerous. Perhaps I can break this
down into a large number of specific manageable addictive demands. At the root
of them is extreme resentment at spending time on things without any potential
for grand significance.
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