People I love
by Roedy Green ©1996-2008 Canadian Mind Products
Pied Beauty
Glory be to God for dappled things-
For skies of couple-colour as a brindled
cow;
For
rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced-fold, fallow,
and plough;
And all
trades- their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With
swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers forth whose beauty is past change;
Praise him.
Gerard Manley Hopkins
Introduction
These are some of the people I have loved over the years in chronological order.
I tend to get more attached the longer we are together. I never seem to fall out
of love, even if my partners do. I have a big soft spot in my heart for all my
exes. I can never understand why some people think it necessary to break off
completely when they decide to move on. The dates in the title lines are the
years of our involvement, not the birth and death dates. My father was 7 years
older than my Mom. I have tended to follow that same pattern, preferring younger,
or younger-looking lovers. I define a lover as someone you live with in a sexual
relationship. It also requires that both of you call yourself lovers to your
friends though not necessarily to your families. I have not talked about my OIFs
(Occasionally Intimate Friends). The nice thing about OIFs
is you never really part, you just reduce the frequency of your encounters.
Don 1963-present
Don was 41 days older than me. I worshipped Don as a teenager. He is straight
and was completely unaware of my secret passion. He was my best friend. We have
never had any sort of sexual involvement. We once attempted to drag two boats up
a mountain to Deeks Lake where we fished for trout. We did not make it.
Archaeologists in future may find them and ponder the mystery of why boats would
be half way up a mountain. Creationists will insist it is evidence of the global
flood. Don is now a popular physician in Comox. He sends me emails about his
mountain hikes all over the globe. The song I associate with him is Roy Orbison’s
Pretty Woman. I was a song he liked but I detested.
John 1969—
1970
John was about the same age as me. John was an engineering student who used to
turn me on by whispering the mysteries of electronics into my ear in his
resonant voice. The night we met we wandered out onto a beach near UBC in a
snowstorm. We ran up and down the beach stark naked and had sex until
hypothermia put a damper on things. He was quite thin. I took him back to the
frat house where I was living at the time and warmed him up with mugs of hot
coffee. To my great delight he wanted to see me again, even though I had just
about frozen him to death. Our relationship ended when he went away to school
back east.
Ben 1970—
1973
Ben was three days older than me and a dour Presbyterian. I wrote a book called A
Guide For The Naive Homosexual. Ben came to see me as a result of it. He
told me he moved to BC from Ontario so that he could drop out of sight and
commit suicide. I could not believe someone so handsome would want to kill
himself. I decided to make myself a friend. Later I was astonished to find he
was interested in me as a lover. Our relationship was stormy because, at the
time, I was jealous and Ben very much enjoyed the hunting aspects of cruising.
Ben and Jimmy and I lived together. They both demanded I choose between them,
but I could not. Eventually Ben moved out and moved to Edmonton. Ben and I had
an agreement. If we had not found permanent lovers by age 50, we would move in
together as companions. We did not keep the agreement because Ben died of AIDS.
Jimmy 1971—
1975
“You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.”
Jimmy left extremely suddenly and has ever since refused to accept even a
Christmas card. I decided to remove all description of the relationship to give
him more privacy. I pined deeply for a dozen years and then less deeply for a
dozen more. Dr. Phil on Oprah Winfrey spoke about people like me who obsess for
years about a past relationship or past traumatic event. He said two things
particularly relevant:
- Your pain becomes the link. You don’t want to give up the pain because you
don’t want to give up the link. Yet this is really quite silly since I
have a strong feeling of connection with all my other ex’s, without the
pain.
- The payoff for staying obsessed about the past is you can keep your heart closed
to new love. You will never let yourself be hurt again.
Hanging on like that was the biggest mistake of my life, but I still have no
idea how I could have got over him other than time. Jimmy was like the sun,
beside which all other joys were as pale as starlight. The song I associate with
him is You Are My Sunshine.
Dennis 1974—
1975
Dennis was about 4 years younger than me. Dennis and I were never lovers, though
I found him utterly fascinating, and we did have sex a few times. I tell one
Dennis story in my Reality
is a Hallucination essay. Dennis had an older lover Fred G., a concert
organist. Dennis told me that Fred was the one who had taught him about the
mysteries. Fred denied any such knowledge, with one exception — when he
performed the exorcism. Dennis died of AIDS.
Don 1974—
1998
Don was about 4 years younger than me. Don and I were never lovers, though I
have kept a very warm spot in my heart for him ever since I first met him, and
we did have sex quite a few times. I tell the incredible story of our meeting in
my Reality is a Hallucination
essay. He is the porn star. This picture was taken some years later, after he
had gained quite a bit of weight. The other guy in the picture is me. Don
invited me to come visit him a few years ago, but became ticked off with me for
publicly telling the strange story of our meeting, and I never went. I think he
would prefer to forget that embarrassing chapter of his life. To me, it was a
genuine miracle that must be told. Don has a shy charm that makes him lovable as
a puppy. I hope eventually we will get together again. The I Ching symbol 
on
Don’s shirt is Dispersion, the I Ching hexagram of loving everyone.
Pat 1976
Pat was about 9 years younger than me. I had a couple of friends David J. and
Michael E. who had been lovers since day 1. They were well matched in interests
and attitudes. One day David phoned me and asked if he could move into my house,
since he was breaking up with Michael. I thought this would be temporary, since
they were made for each other. I agreed. A little later David asked if it would
be OK if his new lover moved in too. I said OK. The night they moved in I was
reading in bed. There was a knock on my bedroom door. It was David’s new
lover, Pat. He asked if he could have sex with me. I refused. "You can’t
do that. You are David’s lover." He said that it was ok with David. A
while later David came down and said it was ok with him. I said no because it
would just make things too complicated. A few days later, David and Michael
reconciled. They drove off together into the sunset, leaving lover Pat behind. I
wondered if this was some Lucille Ball-like plot to get me to forget Jimmy and
accept an arranged relationship. Pat and I had sex, and I suddenly understood
why David had selected him for me. We became lovers. He disappeared one day
taking Annie, our dalmatian puppy with him. I ran into him on the street many
years later. It was an awkward moment and I have not seen him since.
Donny 1977—
1978
Donny was about 11 years younger than me and Jewish. I used to call him "Red"
because of his hair colour and preference for red or "Trout" because
of his freckles. Donny and I used to have intellectual discussions. One day we
got talking and lost track of time. We found ourselves locked in an underground
shopping mall. We kept talking, and in a very formal Howard’s End
sort of way got around to asking if the other were interested in a sexual
relationship. In a very indirect way, we both indicated yes. About a week later,
we started an intensely physical relationship. We put it on hold when Donny had
a medical problem that prevented sex, and never got around to restarting it.
Years later Donny and I shared a bath together. He told me stories of his
adventure-packed life. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life,
reminding me of a scene in the movie about the life of Scott Joplin where the
two elderly men share their love for one another. Donny died of AIDS.
Tom 1979—
1980
Tom was about the same age as me and a Buddhist. I had been single about a year
and desperately wanted to be in a relationship. I told myself, "The next
person I see, I am going to make that person my lover, whatever it takes."
I was sitting in the dark at the Richards Street Steam bath at the time.
Somebody reached over and touched me. I reached over and touched back and felt a
very tall, slim guy. I said to myself, "He’ll do." We had sex
then went to the Night & Day restaurant for grapefruit juice. We shared an
interest in meditation and mindfulness. We became lovers for about a year. He
broke off very gradually and gently. The problem was I wanted a lot more sex
that he did, and he felt we should not continue that way. He is now an elected
official living with a woman, so I don’t mention his last name. We run
into each other from time to time. We still have warm feelings for each other.
Shanön 1985—1987
Shanön was 15 years younger than me and Christian. I met Shanön in San
Francisco shortly after he came out. I figured he would soon lose interest once
he discovered how popular he would be in the gay community. He had some
spectacular physical assets as well as a sparkling extroverted personality.
Everywhere we went, he would strike up conversations with absolutely everyone.
He totally charmed my landlady. She gave us the keys to her outdoor hot tub. Ah!
what a night… He gradually drifted away and started dating other guys. He
phoned me in Canada a year later and said he decided that I was the one after
all. We decided to meet at the Ken Keyes Center then go back to Canada together
to live. We had a hoot. It was one of the most fun weeks of my life. Shanön
has a wicked sense of humour. He likes to do impressions of people. He is
extremely romantic. He was an artist and wanted me to support him while he
concentrated on his drawing. I simply did not earn enough to do that. Eventually
I ran out of money and he had to return to the USA until I could replenish my
funds. He used to drive me nuts by sulking and saying, "If you loved me,
you would know what the matter is," Life with Shanön was very exciting
and somewhat exhausting. We had both tested negative for HIV, so we had plenty
of exciting unprotected sex. When we discovered I was HIV+ after all, (having
been infected too soon before my first test to register), it put such a damper
on our sex life that it interfered emotionally as well and we decided to split.
Thankfully Shanön was not infected too. He called in 2002
and I discovered he now looks like Mr. T. with a shaved head and beard, hairy
chest and muscles. He is still his happy extroverted self. The song I most
associate with him is Madonna’s True Colours.
Roy 1991—
1993
Roy asked me to remove his picture.
Roy was 14 years younger than me and Christian. When I first saw Roy, he was
surrounded by admirers. I walked away thinking I did not have a chance with him.
A short while later though he sought me out and made mad passionate love to me.
He moved in within days. He was from Indonesia. He was a professional singer.
Roy is an ardent Christian, but that never came between us. He would sing love
songs to me while tears streamed down my cheeks. When his student visa was up he
had to return to Indonesia. The Canadian government would not let him back into
the country, even to visit. I went to see him in Indonesia. We never broke up so
we still have a very strong heart connection. He now lives in the Netherlands
with his new lover, Hank. When I met him he earned his living as a computer
programmer. He is now studying to be a nurse. He calls every month or so to
check up on me. The song I most associate with him is Wind Beneath My
Wings as he sung it.
Bernard 1995—
1996
Bernard is still somewhat in the closet, so no picture.
Bernard was 18 years younger than me and Christian. Bernard answered a massage
ad. When he arrived, he explained he did not want a massage. He wanted to kiss
me instead. He did, non stop for about 12 hours. He did not leave until a year
later. He never let me massage him, ever, though I yearned to massage his
flawless, smooth skin and trim, lightly-muscled body. He was in his late 20s,
from Mindanao in the Philipines. He used to make me laugh with his Monica Seles
impersonations. He persuaded me to take up roller blading. He and I spent hours
at the Fruit Loop skating until I fell and badly whacked my tail bone. It
completely cowed me. Bernard was quite disappointed at the loss of his
rollerblading partner. He later sweetly nursed me through the ravages of HIV
illness. We were an odd couple, Bernard the fanatically neat and clean and me
the messy, however, I did not discover that until Bernard got his own place.
When we lived together, he was too polite to complain. Once he got his own place
he indulged his desire to collect music boxes and musical dolls. While we lived
together he suppressed it, needlessly worrying I might not approve. I miss
Bernard a lot. However, he deserves a more sensitive, tactful lover than me.
My current Partner 2000-present
My current partner is very private and wants no details published. We have a non-sexual
relationship.
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